2014 was a tumultuous year for me.
A year of change, both personal and physical. A year of growth, the kind that looks awkward like a rapidly growing child whose teeth are too big for his mouth, ears t0o big for his head. A year of clarity as sharp as a winter morning’s frosty air and much confusion, too.
A lot of muddling through.
Wounds happened this year and ALL THE FEELINGS. I discovered that what I previously thought was living included a good deal of numbing, and so I set out to feel again.
As it turns out, sometimes feeling hurts. Actually, a lot of times. Actually, most of the time.
I’ve learned that withdrawal is my go-to defense mechanism in the face of pain. Some people puff up and attack, some people appease. I become a turtle pulled in, clam snapped shut. Defenses up, soul coiled up in the smallest possible ball of protection.
And honestly, that is what I find that I want to do going into 2015: hide and lick wounds.
Certainly, a time to heal is appropriate, but I know things I cannot unlearn now. I know now that what I really need when I want to shut down is to move toward connection and authenticity. I need to keep writing here, because here I strive to show you my truest self and you meet me there.
2014 for me was the best of times and the worst of times and maybe, just maybe you had that kind of year, too. If you did, I’ll tell you something I craved to hear myself along the way, something I still believe:
Everything’s going to be OK. Not great sometimes, but OK in the end. AND Nothing is as bad as it seems.
Here were some highlights of the tumultuous 2014:
Somehow, I read some books along the way, too.
I’m not sorry to say farewell to 2014; I’m glad to see it go and I’m glad to move on.
I love New Year’s Resolutions and I have prayed for guidance to make some, but all I can come up with is this: to keep showing up. To keep showing up here, to keep showing up with and for my people– the ones in my sphere who I believe are there for a reason. To be authentic, to reach out for connection and love and hope. To continue believing against all odds.
And I have carried this quote on my heart all month.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends. -Walt Whitman
To those who call me friend: just . . . thank you. I don’t deserve you.